The next morning (late afternoon) I awoke to a pounding at my front door. I jumped out of bed the way a rock would jump out of bed and then practically rolled myself to the front door. By the time I figured out how to unlock my own locks, for in my half awake-ness I resemble an idiot, Kare was cursing at me.
"Seriously Oli what the hell?! It does NOT take a fucking hour to open a damn door! Did you go blind or something?! Or even deaf?! Are you fucking Helen Keller all of the sudden?!" I finally swung open the door with squinting eyes; the afternoon sun was seriously relaxing on my porch.
"Fuck it's bright."
"So are you sunshine. Coffee?" It's creepy how Kare can go from angry sailor to lovable baby panda in a matter of seconds....and with the mention of coffee so can I.
"Thank you. Do you have muffins?"
"Yeah, they're up your ass." Maybe not so baby panda-ish. Kare came in and we made our way to my breakfast table. I took the window seat and Kare, as usual, sat on the small round table...because I have no chairs. We drank our coffee in silence for the first five minutes, Charlie Brown came in and I fed him his veggie mush. Finally, Kare straightened her back, which meant she was ready to talk about something superficially important; I copied her movement. We fell into a rhythm of ridiculous banter that lasted three hours and seventeen minutes. We decided to NOT burn Trent's junk because it would waste precious energy and time, in that order. Instead, Kare forced me to fix a hole in her shirt's arm pit. For the last two hours of her visit she walked around in her purple bra, even during smoke breaks outside. I served tea before she left, poured some in Charlie Brown's water bowl, and then sucked on a lollipop as I watched Kare leave in her light gray Chevy. I told her I'd go out with her tonight, but only so that she wouldn't make me sew her a skirt.
Later that day I changed into a "Just say NO to Indian Reservations" t-shirt, a pink mini-skirt, my clear jelly flats and my Frank Sinatra hat and went grocery shopping with Charlie Brown. I don't own a car. I figure I have legs and they don't require gas, not yet anyways, so I might as well take advantage of them, the poor suckers. Besides, my friend owns a grocery store just around the corner. Charlie Brown hopped next to me as we entered the store and Mrs. Becky, my friend/grocery store owner, winked at us.
"Hi Olivia. Hi Charlie Brown." Charlie Brown grunted for the both of us, and I smiled for the both of us. I grabbed a small cart and stuck Charlie Brown in there with his red blanket. Twenty-five minutes later we were back at home, seventy-eight dollars poorer and a lot of food (mostly veggies because both Charlie Brown and I are vegans) richer. I heard a familiar tune playing from the porch and ran out there once I realized it was my cell, still sitting on the step where I left it yesterday.
"Ellooos?"
"Nice, pick up once I'm pissed."
"Like I knew this?"
"You did. You had a strategy I'm sure. Don't pick up the first ten times, wait until I'm fully pissed, and then answer the phone adorably. Low."
"Heh. You think I'm adorable?"
"Are you flirting with me? God you need to have sex."
"Are you offering?"
"You ARE flirting with me!" I rolled my eyes because she was flirting back.
"Do I still have to go out with you tonight?"
"Fuck yes, silly." Only Kare can mix an adult word like "fuck" and a children's word like "silly" and sound serious. I groaned and Charlie Brown perked his already perky ears up.
"Please can you wear that one skimpy yellow number? It looks amazing with your hair and the make up I'll be putting on you. Yeah?" It's a yellow dress I made ages ago. It's a tube top dress that ends too soon; super tight and super non-hiding.
"Fine but I'm wearing a shirt under it."
"Nooooooooooooo omigod you suck." She knows I will.
"I'll be over there at seven then, you idiot slash lovely."
"Kayyyy."
"God this place sucks." Jimmy said through a cloud of smoke. Veecos is a new bar slash dance place, just opened up like last week, but yeah, it sucks slash blows. They play music that shouldn't exist and kids that shouldn't be dancing come to dance. I think they were going for a dark romantic atmosphere but what they got instead was a maze-like vampire dungeon. Pre-T horrible.
"I'm going to go pee. I need to get away from this girl in front of me or I'll have to shove her over the balcony." A girl, too skinny to be human, had been dancing infront of me for a good thirty minutes. And I say dancing but she resembled more a weak dying branch being blown around in the wind. I stood up and pulled at the ends of my dress, I felt like I was wearing little girl clothes and someone was going to come up to me and slap me for it soon. From the second floor there were two ways to get down to the bathrooms on the first floor. The steep you'll definitely fall on your ass stairs to the right, or the super steep everyone can see up your skirt plus you'll definitely fall on your ass stairs to the left. I chose the right one, no pun intended. Once safely down, and I don't mean on my ass, I finished my potty time and went to get another beer, and maybe a shot because I was feeling wild.
"Bud Light plus a shot of tequila please." Bored doesn't even come close to what I am. I turned around while waiting for my drink(s) and began to criticize the people around me, a fun habit of mine. There was a table of boys near me, all being very loud and vulgar, they were dressed in bright and tight shirts and skinny jeans and I passed them off as assholes immediately. Not only were they all too good looking to be straight, but I hate boys, so...end of story. After grabbing my drink(s), a little more resentful than I was five minutes ago, I found my way back to Jimmy and Kare. They obviously forgot I existed because they looked deep into a make out session. Hell, they probably made that girl dance in front of me so that I would leave. Fuckers. I am such an angry child. I took my shot like a champ and then decided to mingle, by myself, and with nobody. Let me tell you how successful mingling is when you don't want to. For some demonic reason I ended up sitting at the bar downstairs looking like that super sad lonely girl no one ever wants to be. I could hear the table of hot most definitely gay guys behind me and decided I was pathetic enough to listen in on their convo.
"I dared you Evan. You pretty much can't say no to that."
"He's right Ev, you're fuuuucked."
"Not like she's ugly."
"Not like she's hot."
"Ahaha. So go already."
"Five hundred right?"
"Yeaup."
"Alright assholes, watch and eat shit."
The tantalizing conversation ended there. God, guys suck more than I thought. I was just about to start my judgment on a table of girls to my left when I felt a tap on my left shoulder. Eww someone touched me. I turned around with a face that clearly said "Oh wow fuck off right now before I pull out my pepper spray and Ninja Turtle moves" but it turned into a blank face when I recognized him as one of the gay guys from table one. Oh. I'm the not ugly but not hot five hundred dollar dare. Death upon your family.
"Hi, I'm Evan-" I put an extended hand up to his face to stop him and send him back from whence he came.
"Don't even. You all aren't so quiet that the entire bar didn't get a chance to tune into a scene from She's All That. AKA, this not ugly but not hot five hundred dollar girl isn't fucking interested. Go buy a hamster." I stood up and he backed up with a monotone face, if faces could be monotone. Luckily, for no one, his friends had been watching and listening, so everyone got a chance at pretending to not be embarrassed for someone.
Thankfully, Kare and Jimmy weren't having sex. So I was able to sit down, shoot back five more shots of tequila, and dance with Kare while she tried to make Jimmy jealous.
"Omigod I can't believe he's dancing with that slutto. Like I'd care. Aha...is she hot?" I let my head fall to the left to catch a glimpse of slutto and then turned it back to Kare.
"You're hotter."
"Hold on, I'll be right back." And then she was marching her way over to Jimmy. It's cool. I'm not just dancing with myself now. Awwwkward. Not like I actually minded. That is code for I was way too drunk to give a fuuuuck. I was doing (attempting) a seductive slow hips type of dance, but a one legged cat could make me look bad at this point. A warmth came from in front of me and I opened my eyes (when the hell did I close them?) and saw a bright blue shirt. Not really caring who this kid was, I pressed myself against him and continued my one legged cat dance. He seemed to like it. One of his rough hands was around the back of my neck, like he was about to bring it down to knee me in the face, but he didn't. His other hand was very low on my hip, kind of squeezing it, which made me feel fat. I think he had blond hair because I kept seeing wisps of blond hair and mine is brown soooo...
"What's your name?"
"Olivia." Why is he speaking? Just shut up and keep moving your hips like that. MmmmmomigodI'mgross.
"Want to get out of here?" No, I said that. I finally looked at his face, it was familiar, but not really. Big almost turquoise eyes, a few blond bangs in the way, high cheekbones and a long nose. But I couldn't keep my eyes from his jaw. I have a thing with jaws. I like them...it's a thing. His was very defined and sharp.
"Where?" But it was a confident question, not an I-actually-hate-you-eww one.
"My place. It's close." What. The. Hell? Question Mark? The way his hips were moving and the way the alcohol was swirling inside me, not to mention that jaw....I really never stood a chance. Really I didn't.